10 reasons why you should never visit Kyiv

So you already bought your tickets to Kyiv? Ah man, return them. I have bad news for you: there is nothing to do here. And I will clearly explain why.

No history at all

Kyiv is only 1535 years old city. So basically, not much history here. However, local guides will try to prove otherwise. You will hear numerous stories about Kyiv princes, the legends about father-in-law of Europe, the ties of the city with your own country, the crazy battles and invasions of Mongol-Tatars, the stories from World War I and World War II, Revolutions and anything else you can imagine. But take it with a grain of salt.

You will lose the count of churches

Statistics say there are around 950 churches for 836 km2 of the city. First TripAdvisor  to-do-things in Kyiv are also churches.  It will take you time to visit at least some the most famous ones: Saint Sophia Cathdedral, Kyiv Pechersk Lavra, Saint Andrew Church, Saint Michael’s Golden Domed Monastery. Moreover, there is so much gold inside, that you simply can go blind.

It’s no fun here

I know you are coming for fun. But what fun can be in a city with karaoke bars where people sing and dance till 6 a.m., in live music, speak easy bars (or BDSM bars even?), or clubs in the middle of the forest (like “Closer”, named in TOP-20 night clubs of the world)? I doubt if you will have fun on one of numerous music festivals, jazz nights on the beach or on the roofs. From time to time we host events like Eurovision or European Football Cup, and we will host the Final of UEFA Champions League. We are crazy about music and football, so we will probably annoy you to death with this.

You will simply get fat

Ukraine is known to be a “breadbusket” of Europe for many years. But it’s not only bread here: various food like borshcht (beetroot soup), all kind of varenyky (dumplings), pancakes, potatoes dishes of all kinds (boiled, baked, fried,you name it), and obviously Chicken Kyiv jumping into your plate. Affordable prices will make you unstoppable, so you will simply get fat! We know you are working out hard in a gym and probably don’t want to ruin it all, do you?

By the way, Awesome Kyiv offers Ukrainian Cuisine Master classes, so better stay away from it!

It feels strange here

And you feel it from the moment you come. Low-cost airport is located in the middle of the city and the main one – not even in Kyiv (while it is usually the opposite almost everywhere in the world). We have strange museums like Museum of toilet, Museum of sewerage, Museum of sleeping, Museum of unnecessary things or one of the biggest in Europe Open Air Museum of Architecture Pirogovo.

We even celebrate holidays on strange dates: e.g. Christmas Eve on 6th of January (but you don’t want a second one here, do you?)

And architecture is also strange, as you will see the contrasts everywhere – modern offices growing out just behind 1000 year old Cathderals – overall, quite a lot of weird things to avoid.

People never smile here…

And I am not joking. We are grumpy Ukrainians who do not like to smile because of being polite, that is why we smile when we mean it, and it is always honest and sincere. We might not say “What’s up, dude”, but when we ask “How are you?”, we will listen those stories about your ex, your dog and your boss. And if Ukrainians are smiling to you, – congrats! you made them like you.

…and do not like foreigners

If Ukrainians are coming to you, when they see you are lost, and asking if they can help you, don’t trust them, as it might be a trap (or robbery even). Use Google Maps instead. And do not wonder if we ask too many questions when we meet you. For many years Ukraine was part of Soviet Union – traveling was not that popular, so you might be just an object of interest of these curious Ukrainians. We might keep asking you “Why Kyiv? Why Ukraine? What are you doing here? What is your purpose of visit?” So you’d better avoid us, if you do not want uncomfortable questions.

We know nothing about art..especially modern

This is why we open the galleries with the paintings that need instructions to understand, organize movie and theater festivals on abandoned factories or under the bridges, or simply paint the walls of multi-story buildings with colorful paintings. You will want to paint your own wall after you see it.

Awful weather in Kyiv

Do not expect something extraordinary from weather in Kyiv. You will get all 4 seasons here: you will be sweating during +25-30 degrees in summer (therefore you will have to swim in one of numerous pools, lakes or right in Dnipro river or you will need to go into some of night beach parties to cool down). During mild snowy winter you will go skiing to Protasiv Yar which is right in the city, sledging or open-air skating. The other option is – you might get frozen during one of those -25 degree days.

Summer usually starts in May, the worst month to come to Kyiv, since everything is flowering, trees are green and Ukrainian women start to get their clothes off…talking about whom…

Ukrainian girls witchcraft

My British friend once said before leaving Kyiv: “I came for the churches, I stayed for the girls”. Named as the best looking girls (and also feminine and smart), they will use their charm to make you stay here. So in the end you might forget what you came for (and that’s not what you want, right?)

If these 10 reasons did not persuade you to choose some other destination for your vacation, you can always contact me and I will give you more reasons not to visit Kyiv.

But I somehow feel you are an awesome rebel, who will not listen to my advice. So welcome to Awesome Kyiv – as awesome as YOU are!

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12 thoughts on “10 reasons why you should never visit Kyiv

      • You devote an entire point to the many qualities of the girls in Ukraine, another point that girls start getting their clothes off in May. By contrast, there’s nothing mentioned about the quality of men or when it’s a good time to see them walking around in less clothes. Even a stereotypical “The Ladies love our shopping” point would have been something. Unless there really is nothing in Ukraine for women?:)

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      • Thanks for a comment! since some people think the article is men oriented, i think i could write something like “it is a good place to go shopping to get gifts for your gf/wife”? btw, thing with girls taking off their clothes is one of our former presindent sayings, when he said chestnuts are taking cloth on, girls – taking cloth off (i told about it in a blog before). but overall, it is nothing to do here BOTH for ladies and men;))

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      • I did not mean that, but rather this: “they will use their charm to make you stay here”. And the entire last paragraph actually… And I said that in general I liked the article, by the way…

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      • yes, agree, mostly speaks up to men, though i did not really think that 1 out of 10 paragraphs that refer to men more, would be seen as discrimination by somebody. btw, have nothing against lesbians gays or whoever, whom, as you mentioned, my article does not imply. it only implies to make people think about coming to Kyiv. and i hardly thought about equality, feminism, discrimination or other issues when writing this blog post – it has the other goal. but everybody see what he/she want to see, i’m okay with this.

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    • jesus.how on earth do you glean this from the article? You really must have better things to do with your time than conjur shite that’s not there…men are not your enemy.

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      • It has nothing to do with being friends or enemies. Just in “they will use their charm to make you stay here”, who is “you”??? It’s definitely a male! Well, maybe a lesbian woman too, but I doubt the that the articles implies that. And by the way, the way you get angry doesn’t flatter you. Oh maybe I just “conjur shite that’s not there” :))))

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  1. I kinda like Kyiv as is. Articles like this may prompt people to visit and find out how awesome it is. Then it will become another tourist trap with a Ferris wheel. Stay away please!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Omg I laughed a lot … Celebrating Christmas eve at 6.January.. There are more religions in this world.

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