I bet you all know how to be grateful polite guests every guide will fall in love with.But just in case you decide that your guide is living a very nice stress-free life, why not bringing some rain on that parade? So here is an ultimate tutorial on how to piss off a guide (and never make it to the walking tour).
Abuse as much as you can
Use do not abuse is a rule for good guests. Those ones whom a guide wants to help. But since your goal is to piss off a guide, try to abuse as much as you can. Forget that a guide gets paid for hours spent actually on a tour. Do you want to open a bank account/find a wife/get residence permit/adopt a child/organize a date/get your eyes wiped? Put this all on guide’s shoulders and wait for the reaction. If you are lucky enough, you will piss off your guide. If not, maybe a guide will be patient and polite enough, and helps you with some of these questions. Then do not hesitate and keep on! You’re close to your goal.
And then, when you got everything, disappear
Show a guide, that you want to book a tour, express your deepest interest in it and persuade a guide that visiting this tour was a dream of your life. Get all the info you need about your visit (the more you use your guide as a personal Google, the better), ask about where to go, where to eat, what events to visit, where to stay for 2 days or 2 years, where to buy your home, ask if the sun shines and if you need a mosquito repeller. Usually a guides gives this advice, or sends some links where you can read all this, but it can never be enough.
Once you get all the info you need for your visit, suddenly decide that you do not need a guide anymore. You can tell your guide about it, but to make the “piss off” plan 100% work, tell it closer to the planned tour, what’s even better – do not tell at all, play hide and seek and let your guide lose those clients who could come for a tour instead of you, but whom a guide refused, because you were promising to visit this tour – come rain or shine.
Ask the questions you already got answers to
Skip reading all that bullshit a guide is sending to you, even if that e-mail has all the needed info. Keep asking questions like you are running a typing marathon, and do not leave this game until your guide will be defeated. Turn a deaf ear and neglect all those links a guide is providing you with. Better save your time and make a guide waste time on sending all the info again and explaining to you everything that was said 100 times. In best case you will easily piss off a guide, in the worst – you will have to find a new one, because this one will simply refuse to work with you. But the more guides you piss off – the better.
Or simply do not reply
Book a walking tour, ask a guide 1001 question, and when you get detailed answers to all of them, simply stop replying. People like guides do not deserve a feedback, not to mention a simple “thank you”. Forget the word “thanks” in general, if you want to piss off a guide (and anybody overall).
Bargain and do not stop till you get it for free
Once you got the pricelist of the tours, immediately tell a guide that it costs too much. Do not even consider searching for options that suit your budget. Focus on this exact guide and bargain like it’s the last day of your life. Ask “how much does it cost” for 4 times, and if all the time you get the same answer, set your price. Make it as low as possible.
Get very disappointed, if a guide does not bargain in return, like on some Egypt camel market. Get really pissed off, if a guide says that the price stated on the website is same for everybody. Wait…something goes wrong. The goal was to piss off a guide, not to get pissed off. Okay, whatever, bargain till you get it free.
Practice cancelling walking tours
First rule for cancelling a walking tour: never pay in advance, if a guide offer you a prepayment. If you pay in advance, you will not be able to cancel a tour so easily. As you did not make any agreement with a guide, you can cancel a tour any time. 20 mins before it start (do not call, simply send an email), or even when a guide arrives! In last case make sure to create some really persuasive excuse, like the price that you just found out is too expensive (even it was stated 3 times, and agreed beforehand). Do not care about guide’s time, and try to mess up as much as possible.
Forget that a guide also has life
It’s a client who is supposed to have family, friends, relationship or other things going on. A guide is an answering machine so deserves an appropriate attitude. A guide is not supposed to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, go out to clubs or allow to sleep more on the weekend.
That’s why start sending messages through all the possible channels 1 year before your arrival. If a guide does not answer, do not forget to ask a couple of times “Are you alive?”. If a guide politely asks to start asking organizing questions closer to your arrival, screw that guide! Find the other one who is not so easily pissed off by 30 messages in WhatsApp.
Never know what you want
Stick to a saying “A client is always right”, even if you do not know what you want from your guide. Even if after 10 emails and tour offers you still do not know what you want, keep messing up with your guide. Be undecisive, hot’n’cold, yes or no. Make sure in the end it will be strong “NO” or at least do not answer.
Accuse a guide, if he/she says that cannot do a tour for you
If the chances to piss off a guide seem to be very slim, simply because a guide says that a tour for you is not possible, use your last chance to get on a hall of fame and start accusing a guide of being “too busy”, “not professional”, “not caring”.
You can even try to hack your guide’s email (to check if a guide is really so full of bookings or simply does not want to show you around)? Make sure you piss off a guide enough, because later on you might be pissed if you get blocked on all the possible messengers.
Be sure that money talks
Make sure to remind a guide that you have a lot of money, and say it in different forms. For example, you can say that money is not a problem. If a guide does not react to it, use a sign $$$, an write something like $$$ is not a problem. After showing off your financial status, let yourself piss a guide in in all the possible ways.
Forget about politeness and behave like your future guide is a slave. Simply keep thinking that your money can buy everything. And, if suddenly your guide gets pissed off, go spend your money on something else, because I bet you will not need it on tour anymore.
These 10 steps to piss off a guide can be done either step by step, or simulatenously (depends on your hidden talents), but most of them lead to success. While you are trying to accomplish this plan, I should run to my grateful guests, those who will give me a dope.